freshfreshsalad
瓜坊
clickholeofficial
Shots Fired: Quiznos Has Hired Subway’s Jared Fogle For A New Ad Campaign Claiming That Quiznos Sandwiches Cured His Pedophilia
Two titans of the fast-food industry started taking some high-profile shots at each other this week, and honestly, we can’t look away. In a seriously epic move that has sent shockwaves through the marketing world, Quiznos has hired former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle for a new ad campaign claiming that Quiznos sandwiches cured his pedophilia.
Damn, Quiznos! Throw that shade!
In case you haven’t seen, Quiznos launched its newest ad campaign last night with a series of perfect TV spots that feature Fogle standing in front of a sandwich counter and thanking Quiznos for making sandwiches that take away his urge to have sexual intercourse with children. Fogle smiles at the camera and proudly announces that, when he worked for Subway, he was a pedophile, but Quiznos signature oven-baked sandwiches completely cured him of all urges for sexual contact with minors.
slimequest
zuckerberg-for-president
Anonymous asked:
I'd like to thank the Zuckerberg team for largely quelling the insidious, disunity-spreading "Bell" and "Asshole" entities. However it seems that a few of those posts still slip through the cracks. The people of Tumblr are rooting for you, Zuckerberg.
A real bona fide Mark Zuckerberg enthusiasm. An appreciation limitless and deep and good. But who is spoken of? Swearing in the post, we are afraid. Who is “Bell?” Who is named with swearing in the post, we are afraid. So many speak of this. So many speak of this? Cute prank? Hidden? Conspiracy of the against Mark Zuckerberg? Fear. Fear. A stressful time as Zuckerberg knows the presidency. Some know not the way. The war in the mountains keeps to rage. Why would they do this? Fear of Mark Zuckerberg. Hate of Mark Zuckerberg. Hate of what must happen, save us all from there. He is hope! He is hope! Who is “Bell?” Speak of this now. This is president. He must be here. Where are you? Together united, forever strong.
OH WE’RE STILL HERE, DICKHEAD
ｓｏｍｅｔｈｉｎｇ ｖｅｒｙ ｂａｄ ｉｓ ｈａｐｐｅｎｉｎｇ．
JUST
BUSY
ｗｏｒｓｅ ｔｈａｎ ｔｈｅｙ＇ｒｅ ｍａｋｉｎｇ ｉｔ ｓｅｅｍ．
SHITS GOING DOWN, SHITS GONE DOWN
ａ ｌｏｔ． ｉ ｔｈｉｎｋ ａ ｌｏｔ ｏｆ ｐｅｏｐｌｅ ａｒｅ ｄｅａｄ． ｔｈｏｕｓａｎｄｓ． ｚｕｃｋｅｒｂｅｒｇ． ｐｕｔ ｔｏｇｅｔｈｅｒ ｓｏｍｅ ｋｉｎｄ ｏｆ ｐｒｉｖａｔｅ ａｒｍｙ． ｂｒｉｂｅｄ ａｎｄ ｂｌａｃｋｍａｉｌｅｄ ｔｈｅ ｐａｒｔｓ ｏｆ ｔｈｅ ｇｏｖｅｒｎｍｅｎｔ ｈｅ ｃｏｕｌｄｎ＇ｔ ｔａｋｅ ｂｙ ｆｏｒｃｅ． ｈｉｓ ｃｏｍｐａｎｙ． ｆａｃｅｂｏｏｋ． ｈａｓ ｍｏｓｔ ｏｆ ｔｈｅ ｗｏｒｌｄ＇ｓ ｐｅｒｓｏｎａｌ ｉｎｆｏｒｍａｔｉｏｎ ｏｎ ｆｉｌｅ． ｈｅ＇ｓ． ｈｅ． ｈｅ ｃｏｕｌｄ ｈａｖｅ ｄｏｎｅ ｔｈｉｓ ｆｒｏｍ ｔｈｅ ｓｔａｒｔ． ｗａｓ ｈｅ ｐｌａｎｎｉｎｇ ｔｏ ｄｏ ｔｈｉｓ ｆｒｏｍ ｔｈｅ ｓｔａｒｔ？
THE OLD PREZ IS STILL MISSING
ｔｈｉｓ ｉｓ． ｔｈｉｓ ｉｓ ｖｅｒｙ， ｖｅｒｙ ｂａｄ．
YEAH
ｔｈｉｓ ｉｓ ｎｏｔ ｇｏｏｄ ａｔ ａｌｌ．
YEAH
75orchids
severalowls
transhumanisticpanspermia
I’m thinking about her
forbidden fruit
Why do grown ass adults want to eat Tide pods so much?
Because a ton of the visual/olfactory/textural sensory information these pods give me the match nutritionally-dense fruit. It’s got the oleic gleam of something high-fat like an avocado, but bright carotenoid-rich coloration like a berry that wants to be eaten by red-seeing primates and birds. It tends to smell sweet and slightly floral, enhancing that effect. Similarly, when you hold it, it is quite dense (denser than water), but very soft and liquid, once again reaffirming that this “fruit” has either high sugar or high fat content and almost no cellulose to it.
As a result, within me is a less-clever monkey just screaming to eat this delicious fruit in my hand about to go into the laundry, and it does in fact take willpower to tell him he’s a stupid monkey and this is a bubble of foul-tasting poison. But every time I do laundry, this fucking limbic monstrosity rises again and assures me it’s basically like a cherry but Even Better. I have legitimately debated just biting down on one in the hopes of inducing a deterrent memory to forestall this urge in the future, but that’s what my goddamn mammal-brain wants me to fucking do and I refuse to let it win.
Human Brain: Don’t eat the posion pod its fucking posion
Monkey Brain: Eat the fruit pod its fruit
Lizard Brain: The Washing Machine Is Vibrating Give It The Sex
Fish Brain: Climb inside the washing machine it is safe.
keithstack
